Monday, February 18, 2013
Some of those ramblings weren't totally insane, most were, but I look at them like this: this writing was my unconscious attempt at maintenance of my manic depression symptoms through tools that I had been "encouraged" to use while in the hospitals and psychologist offices offices from the age of about 14 onward. Had the writing been the only thing going on it might of worked. I was drinking daily and spending money that I did not have. Unfortunately for my sake I was so far into denial of the fact that I was in the throws of a manic cycle at that time to care that I was hurting those around me and throwing away some great opportunities all because I was too stubborn to admit that I wasn't "normal."
I continued down that path, struggling and failing to not cycle out of control. I could hold about a year together being functional and those same feelings would come back and I would be off and running. I had, when somewhat stable, figured out that If I don't have a bank account I cant spend more than I have in my pocket. I also realized that writing was therapy, and that sleep is so very important to my stabilizing my symptoms. Finally, about 3 years ago I had had enough of the cycling. I reached out for help and unfortunately did not get the support and care I so desperatly needed. But I didn't give up; I swallowed my pride, asked my mother to help me get back to this area from Washington state and did what I had to do to get someone to listen.
So here I sit, 14 years later, clean and sober (3 years if I can make it till the 13th of March) and I am finally on a medication that the side effects of are not worse than the symptoms of this condition. I am a much more mature, reliable and rational member of society. I have finally found a career path that I believe I can comfortably do for the rest of my life. I work with people, many of whom have struggled with the stigma of mental illness and have attempted, albeit quite unsuccessfully to mask their symptoms through the use of drugs and alcohol. I try to give them hope and reinsurance that there is such a thing as recovery from mental illness and addiction and that they are not weak for reaching out for help.
This gives me such a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. It is amazing to have a job that I'm good at, that I enjoy going to, and that I get so much out of everyday. I honestly want to help those I see and want them to get to where I am because just about 3 years ago I was where they are at. Starting over with what felt like nothing. That person was not there when I began my journey and had I not been diligent and attentive I would of fallen through the cracks. I didn't take no for an answer and I try to teach them the same thing.
I will attempt to write more often in those journals, sans the whiskey, and on here as much as I can. I would like to get back to covering the music that I love and enjoy so much. I wont gaurntee that that will actually happen so just check back from time to time. If I dont do what I say Ill do gently remind me would ya?
Thanks for stoppin' by