Well children... this might well be my longest hiatus from this evil blog like thing to date.  I started writing in little journals back in '98 or '99 because I didn't want to loose all the "great ideas" that I had in my head all the time.  So... I would get about  6 or 7 fingers into a bottle of cheap whiskey and begin to write what I felt at the time to be just hilarious and amazing shit.

Some of those ramblings weren't totally insane, most were, but I look at them like this: this writing was my unconscious attempt at maintenance of my manic depression symptoms through tools that I had been "encouraged" to use while in the hospitals and psychologist offices offices from the age of about 14 onward. Had the writing been the only thing going on it might of worked.  I was drinking daily and spending money that I did not have.  Unfortunately for my sake I was so far into denial of the fact that I was in the throws of a manic cycle at that time to care that I was hurting those around me and throwing away some great opportunities all because I was too stubborn to admit that I wasn't "normal."

I continued down that path, struggling and failing to not cycle out of control.  I could hold about a year together being functional and those same feelings would come back and I would be off and running.  I had, when somewhat stable, figured out that If I don't have a bank account I cant spend more than I have in my pocket.  I also realized that writing was therapy, and that sleep is so very important to my stabilizing my symptoms.  Finally, about 3 years ago I had had enough of the cycling.  I reached out for help and unfortunately did not get the support and care I so desperatly needed.  But I didn't give up; I swallowed my pride, asked my mother to help me get back to this area from Washington state and did what I had to do to get someone to listen.

So here I sit, 14 years later, clean and sober (3 years if I can make it till the 13th of March) and I am finally on a medication that the side effects of are not worse than the symptoms of this condition.  I am a much more mature, reliable and rational member of society.  I have finally found a career path that I believe I can comfortably do for the rest of my life.  I work with people, many of whom have struggled with the stigma of mental illness and have attempted, albeit quite unsuccessfully to mask their symptoms through the use of drugs and alcohol.  I try to give them hope and reinsurance that there is such a thing as recovery from mental illness and addiction and that they are not weak for reaching out for help.

This gives me such a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  It is amazing to have a job that I'm good at, that I enjoy going to, and that I get so much out of everyday.  I honestly want to help those I see and want them to get to where I am because just about 3 years ago I was where they are at.  Starting over with what felt like nothing.  That person was not there when I began my journey and had I not been diligent and attentive I would of fallen through the cracks.  I didn't take no for an answer and I try to teach them the same thing.

I will attempt to write more often in those journals, sans the whiskey, and on here as much as I can.  I would like to get back to covering the music that I love and enjoy so much.  I wont gaurntee that that will actually happen so just check back from time to time.  If I dont do what I say Ill do gently remind me would ya?

Thanks for stoppin' by

About damn time...

Well folks... its been a while since I've posted anything around here so I thought I would write a few words about what I've been up to and all that.  I don't have a real clear idea of what this blog is about or what I should and should not post.  I guess over the times that I have posted it has changed from a music blog to a heartbreak blog and back again.  Music has always played a big part in my day to day life.  From early on I remember driving around the country roads with my dad listening to country music of one form or another.  Apparently I was a huge fan of Merle Haggard at a very young age.  I remember dad telling me when I brought home a cd that was all covers of his songs by various singer-songwriters that I used to sing along nice and loud to "My Own Kind of Hat"  Songs for me seem to trigger memories, both good and bad.  Sometimes it is what I was doing when the song was playing or other times its the lyrics to the song that I can relate in my mind to a situation that I went through at sometime or another.

That is something that I have always wanted to make a career of.  Music in someway or another.  I filled out the paper work to get back in school and see if I can't stick it out to at least finish up an Associates degree in journalism/mass communications.  It isn't going to guarntee that I will be able to work with music but its a start.  If I could parlay this information into a radio job great.  If it doesn't work for me to be in radio, I will at least have some business classes under my cap and that will hopefully let me get a better paying job where I don't have to break my back for the money I earn.  That is the hope anyway.

Otherwise I have just been working at the station here in town.  Pay isn't great and the hours suck but it is a job.  For that I am grateful.  The economy around here has been hit hard by the recession. What few job are around don't seem to pay much and even those low pay no skill jobs have 30-40 people vying to get them.  I was told the other day that while I was living in Washington, something like 1,500 jobs were cut from Kay County.  Most of those jobs won't be coming back.  It was a very hard decision to come back here because of the simple fact that I knew I would have to take much less pay despite the fact my bills are still the same size that they used to be.  I have tightened my belt, sucked it up and I will survive on what I make and try to be happy.  Its a long road but I'll make it. 

Hope all is well with yall.  And remember to keep the sunny side up and the dirty side down and every thing else will work its self out.

Its been a strange day, and for once thats not a bad thing.

I have made it back to town, living back in the same place at least for the short term.  I didn't really want to be back here because of the headaches it has and will cause for all concerned but I vow to make the best of the time I spend here.  I always complained about this town and how backwards it is but the more time I spend driving around here and in Ponca, the more I realize it was me that was backwards.  I have a real problem finding contentment where I am.  I always wanted to be somewhere else. There are a lot of great things that I could do around here and enjoy greatly, I just have to get off this computer and get out among the masses. I will be doing this and plan on sharing the good things I do find around here in hopes that you can enjoy them as well. I took a lot of pictures in Washington and on the way back here so I will try to find a good place to stick em online so yall can enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

Till next time...

jared

1043 pm Mojave CA

Wind made us get off the road.  1242 miles left to go to Blackwell America.  Pics will come after I get home and break out the tower from the back of that blasted U-haul.  Hope all is well with you and yours.

Jared Wayne
The desert gets cold at night...

253am

By title alone this is going to be a bad post. Bad for anyone to read.  Hard for me to type and even worse by hte fact that Montgomery Gentry just came on the tv.  I by no means am a saint.  I have hurt those I love for far too long.  It is my desire to finally stop the pain.  That sounds scary as hell and it should.  Self inprovment is never an easy row to hoe. 

I finally have made a decision that I will no longer rely on others to fix whats wrong with me.  I need to be good with me and my choices again.  I was at one time but Why that changed I can't say.  No one deserves to be put through the shit I put myself through on a daily basis.  Im tired of the fights.  I'm tired of the anger that I havent been able to put behind me.  Im tired of living in the past and also tired of projecting so damn far out that I lose site of what I have to do today to get to tomorrow.

I have lost alot of great friends because I have been a stubborn asshole for far too long.  I give now.  My way isnt the best way.  There hase to be a better way of living than the living through chemistry that I have done to myself since I was tiny.  Today starts anew.  And because of that realization I will get better.

It will probably get dark as hell around here before all is said and done.  I will try to keep it light because I down want to linger in my sadness anymore.  The clean up process is going to be rough but I have the right people in place to give me a hand up and no longer a hand out.

If you don't hear from me for a few days don't worry too much. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and this time its not a train.  So with all that said... log off the computer, walk your happy ass down to where your real frineds are and go catch some live, local, and loud music.  Support the artists that are out there.  Its not an easy life.


Thanks for reading.  May you have the best day you can and I will do the same.

Quick update.

I will be driving back to Oklahoma Thursday.  I have alot of issues as most of you are well aware of and to fix said issues I need to be closer to what I "know".  It sucks, I want to stay here in Kitsap but sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.  Thank you to everyone of you that helped me out in anyway shape or form.  There are alot of amazing people around here, you just have to know where to look and take the time to look past where you met em. 

And for those who are glad to see me go... well lets just not go there. 

Good luck to all yall, stay safe and treat the ones you love as they should be treated.

jared
np. III Two Cow Garage
its the soundtrack to my "midlife crisis"

Well folks its just about that time again... time to crawl back into the stall and relieve yourself. That's right little Johnny...It Burns When I Pee!!!! There baaaaaack:

Ramble on over to there site and see what kinda trouble you can get your self into...

It Burns When I Pee
www.ibwip.com
www.section86.com